Cthulhu if by Sea

So, I entered a dialogue only micro-flash fiction (300 words) contest for October. I didn’t win, but they went ahead and ran my story anyway… for you, this means a free, first runner-up comedy dialogue about a lovable fictional creature. Enjoy!

Cthulhu if by Sea

“A Cthulhu, really?” said the barkeep.

“Yeah, mate. By my car.”

“You’re fucked. I’ve heard a lot of dodgy shit before, but come on. You having a go at me?”

“No, it was sitting there trying to light up. Kept getting the ciggy all wet, couldn’t figure out the lighter.”

“Go on mate. Shove off.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You go get rid of that … that fucking sushi, and then I’ll be off. ‘Till then, grab me a pint.”

“Think you’ve had a few pints too many, yeah? Fucking Cthulhu. Bollocks.”

“Five quid, then.”

“You already owe me five quid for the pints.”

“Double or nothing then. Ten quid if no squid.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. Let me go look.”

“What’s he doing out there?” said the patron.

“He’s eating a cat.”


“A feline, for Christ’s sake, he’s eating a cat.

“Don’t know why that’s shocking. That is their diet.”

“Just never actually seen it is all. Why are you so worried? There hasn’t been a Cthulhu related death in Sussex for 20 years.”

“I don’t like the smell. And they always want to know the time. It’s like, I get it, you have a schedule to keep. But, buy a watch. I wish they’d leave.”

“It’s the fog and the stray cats.”

“That’s it I’m moving to Arizona, they don’t have this problem.”

“Stray cats?”

“No you wanker, fog and rain.”

“Daylight Savings Time neither.”


“My friend Eddie moved there and tells me they don’t have daylight savings time.”

“Must be nice.”

“What, no daylight savings, or no Cthulhu?”

“No rain or fog.”

“Ah. Yeah. S’pose so. But they’ve got Chupacabra.”

“That’s a myth.”

“It’s their arms. Too tapered and slippery.”


“They can’t wear a watch because it won’t stay on proper.”

“S’pose you’ve got a point.”

“That’s why they’re always late.”


“Yeah, one’s got a job at the bank.”

“Now you’re having me on,”

“Yeah. Want another pint?”


Big announcement for the fans

Friends, readers, and people who haven’t remembered to unsubscribe,

I have been sitting on some news for a few weeks, waiting for the official announcement by the publisher. I signed a book deal for The 13 Lives of a Television Repair Man (see link at bottom of article).

The acquiring publisher is Space Dock, a branch of Tickety Boo Press LTD, out of the UK.

I am both humbled and excited by this news and look forward to the journey. Transitioning from self-published to traditionally published author is both a validation of my work and an avenue to much greater success and marketing than I have been able to achieve on my own.

While writing novels is a great passion of mine, the work behind the scenes regarding publishing and marketing is not, so this will open up my time to pursue what matters most to me: Telling the story.

I have been writing my whole life, and have done what many writers do: Doubt my worth and ability, using those fears as an excuse to show no one and pursue nothing. A little over five years ago, when my wife was just about to give birth to our first child, I decided that I had better make a decision: Stop playing about at writing. I needed to either quit altogether or take it as serious as any other successful novelist.

I followed my heart and ignored my crippling self-doubt, and have given my writing career my all. My first two works after that shit-or-go moment were crude, but I FINISHED THEM! I self-published them under a different name and enjoyed minor success. The downside is that when I decided to start working under my real name, I basically threw away all that momentum, but what I lost in fanbase, I gained in experience.

My first novel published under my real name is my most proud accomplishment to date, and if you haven’t read it (13 Lives), I would encourage you to look for it from Space Dock Publishing.

For those of you who’ve supported my work all along, I thank you for your encouragement and invite you to join in my celebration. Each of you who gave to the Indiegogo for the audiobook, helped with editing, cover art, photography, and those who told others to read my work, this is for you, as well… a testament to the work and the readers who make it worthwhile.

Sincerely, thank you,

Michael Dirk Thalmann